“I mustn’t listen to the fear my ego whispers to me, I should listen to the voice of my heart. It’s not weird to decide to follow a different road, I will not get nowhere if I decide to follow new roads (….).
I am going to follow my heart (…). I am going to start with a clean slate. A new branch. This branch will not be the branch, because there isn’t such thing. What is it going the be? A new beginning with endless possibilities. ” (Mind Happiness ~1)
At the beginning of 2020 I agreed with myself that I would remain open to change. Not following the straight lines of my fear and ego but letting myself be guided by the erratic behavior of my heart.
I’ve reached a point where I’m going to take a new path.
‘When I die, I’ve spent my whole life trying to live instead of living it.’ ‘It’s so bad to have all the ideals, but never to be able to live up to those ideals because you have to fight against yourself all the time. The constant fight against all the emotional trauma that haunts you.” I said to my husband this afternoon when I was emotionally drained.
The reason I was emotional about it was because I couldn’t put my being overweight into perspective anymore.
‘I try to do everything right,’ I continued. ‘Telling myself that my value doesn’t depend on my body, but I’ve been rejected so many times throughout my life and I’ve had so many bad comments just because of the shape of my body that I still have a hard time to let it go.’
During the conversation with my husband I found out how incredibly full my little island (Mind Happiness ~13) still is and how much I still live by someone else’s approval. It wasn’t my body that made me feel so emotional, but the sense of worthlessness that’s attached to it. The emotional traumas of a girl who just wants to be accepted and loved.
“I have to wipe my island clean.” I said to my husband. “I need more rest to heal. Back to the basics of life. I don’t have to be anything, I just want to be. I don’t have to make the most of life, I just want simple contentment. I don’t want a lot of social contacts because it makes me feel like I have to live up to expectations. I would prefer to let my whole world exist out of our house and our garden.”
‘Then that’s what you should do, sweetheart.’ My husband said.
And that’s what I’m going to do.
A life which I can live in simple contentment, that feels very appetizing at the moment. That is what my heart is currently indicating as the next step and I am going to listen to it.
Despite my fear and ego resisting, I agreed the following with myself;
- I’m going to send all my good friends a message indicating I‘m distancing myself. Out of sight, but not out of the heart. I care about my friends, wish them all the best and will certainly be there for them if they need a friend, but I want to separate myself from any expectations and obligations.
- I’m going to drastically reduce my digital world. I will throw social media apps off my phone.
- After this blog post, I’m not going to promote my new blog posts through social media. I will keep writing and posting my blog on my website because I still support the reason I started writing my diary in the first place, but I also want to distance myself from the social pressure I am constantly carrying with me. I try to be completely authentic every blog post, but I notice that I also don’t write many things because I don’t know, for example, whether I can make a clear story of the tangle in my mind or whether my opinions can lead to conflict.
- I don’t have to reach a goal with my blog, I don’t have to be anything with my blog. I just want to use my blog to help people.
These are the measures with which I want to wipe my island clean. Back to base. Room to heal. Space to live my life the way I want to.
I’m definitely not saying I’ll stop climbing up. This is one of the obstacles I will overcome. An obstacle where I let go of my fear and ego and trust my heart. I don’t crawl away in social isolation, I choose for inner peace, I choose for what my heart tells me.
I choose for who I am.
When I met my husband 17 years ago, he asked me what I wanted in life. “A little cabin on the meadow.” I answered him as a 16-year-old girl. “A little cabin on the meadow, somewhere in the middle of nature. Away from people, just me being a mother.””
It’s time to follow my heart and create my own little cabin on the meadow, my own little world. Back to base.
“I don’t have to listen to the fears of my ego, I have to follow the voice of my heart. It’s not weird to take a new path. I’m not going to get nowhere if I dare to turn on to new roads (….).
I am going to follow my heart (..). I am going to start with a clean slate. A new branch. This branch will not be the branch, because there isn’t such thing. What is it going the be?
A new beginning with endless possibilities.”