For a long time, I saw my fear and ego as my enemies. I felt myself prisoner in the vault and I thought that they were the guards. I thought that my fear and ego kept me prisoner. What I see now is that they gave me protection where I could not. On the list of fear are all the moments where I was hurt and because I did not know how I could protect myself against being hurt repeatedly, my Tasmanian Devil took over by raging when there was a threat.
Fear and ego are no enemies, they are tools.
In the first place they gave me help in the form of protection but now I can use them as guideline. Every time fear and ego respond, it means that I find myself in a situation where I am vulnerable. Every time fear and ego respond, it means that I find myself in a situation where I miss my self-worth.
I think the self-worth develops by receiving value as a child. Receiving value is a basic human need and if you receive it, it becomes part of yourself that will eventually become self-worth.
If you don’t have self-worth, you keep looking for value outside yourself. You look outside yourself for love because love is equivalent to value, but because it lies outside of yourself, it can be taken away from you. This makes you dependent and dependency scares you. You are afraid that the value that you are experiencing will be taken away from you. This prevents you from giving others unconditional love.
If you know your own self-worth, nobody can take that away from you. Self-worth means loving yourself and that makes you independent of love and of the value others give you. Because you are not dependent of value from others, you don’t have to be afraid of losing it. This enables you to give unconditional love.
If I want to live free outside of my vault, away from ego and fear, I will have to create self-worth.
Unfortunately, there is no simple ‘hocus pocus I want my self-worth to exist’- spell, which means I’ll have to work on it.
The first step is observing my own fear and ego. Fear and ego are both an indication of a lack of self-worth. As soon as they react to a situation, it means that for me there is a possibility for personal growth.
The second step is to think about how I want to respond when not responding out of ego or fear. The main rule I want to keep myself to is that love is always the answer.
If I feel myself locked out of a social situation, my fear and ego will come to the surface and they will look at my need to receive value. My fear and ego want to be seen and if they are not, they will react. If I realize that I feel bad because of my lack of self-worth I can also choose to give other people unconditional love and give them a good time. With or without me. This not only gives me more self-confidence, but also allows me to give other people more love.
“If you know your own self-worth then nobody can take that from you. Self-worth means loving yourself and that makes you independent of love and the value other people give you. Because you are independent of other people’s value, you don’t have to be afraid of losing it again. This enables you to give unconditional love to others.”
This is easier said than done. The heart did not go into the vault and did not need help from fear and ego for no reason. There will be enough difficult moments where I put my heart back into the vault
and let my fear and ego rule because I am not resilient enough. The most important thing is accepting myself. You learn from falling and getting up again.
I think back to the mountain and its obstacles. Working on my self-worth is a hard and though obstacle that will take me a long time, but as soon as I’ve conquered it, I’ll be standing on a gigantic plateau where I’ll be able to fall back on.
Every hard situation is an obstacle until you’ve learned from it, after that it becomes part of your personal strength.
“Fear and ego are not enemies, but tools.”