9 ~ Personality disorder

I’m not a fashionista, influencer, insta-hottie, trendsetter or a trend follower at all, but without knowing I’ve been super trendy in recent years anyway. The darkest period of my life was also my trendiest one. Who would have thought?  

It weren’t my shoes, pants, sunglasses or hairstyles that made me trendy. It was my burn-out. Having a burnout is the trend of the 21st century and is only accessible to the people who really have no backbone. If I can believe the media, that is.  

Now I have to confess to being a wurn-outer. A wannabe burn-outer, because I was never really diagnosed. My psychologist stopped at a possible personality disorder that could not be further classified.  

And as such, I became a wurn-outer. Luckily, that sounds hipper and much less fucked up than a personality disorderer.  

When the term personality disorder fell, I felt really worthless. I thought I was crazy and that all my emotions were irrational.  

Until I started thinking about it.  

Of course, I had a personality disorder, which wasn’t because I’m completely deranged, it was because I forgot who I actually am. A personality disorder for me means nothing more than me not knowing who I actually am. 

“I feel empty, defeated, failing, confused and hopeless. The depressed veil has come down on me like a pile of stones and I don’t have the strength to help myself get out of it again. Sometimes it’s just easier to give up. Despite all the pain.  

I seem stuck on an elastic rope which on the other side is attached to emotional pain and no matter how hard I try to walk away from the negativity, eventually I’m too tired to fight and the elastic rope pulls me back.”  

I wrote this piece of text in my diary at the end of 2019. What I see now is that the end of the elastic rope was my own core.  

Without me knowing, I tried to walk away from myself.  

My core had become a source of emotional pain because it had never felt value, attention and acceptance.  

“I think self-esteem arises from receiving value as a child. (….) If you don’t have self-esteem, you’re going to keep looking beyond yourself for that value.”  

I had left my own core to look beyond myself for value, and as a result my core got no attention and acceptance from me, the most important person for itself. Therefore, my core felt worthless, lonely, desperate and depressed.  

As I tried to be perfect in the hope of getting value, my core continued to scream for attention. I tried to walk away from my desperate and needy core because it stood in the way of receiving value. But because of us being one, despite the split of my personality, me and my core remained connected. I couldn’t walk away from my own emotional pain.  

The split of my personality was my possible personality disorder that could not be classified and my fight to want to get away from my core ultimately became my burnout. 

My burnout wasn’t one of my numerous failures, it was a cry of sheer despair from my core. In order to be able to heal from my burnout, I must not resist the emotional pain at my core, but I have to recognize it as a part of myself. I have to grab that elastic rope, walk back to my core and give my core a such big hug of love that me and my core can melt together again into a whole that loves and appreciates itself unconditionally.  

I don’t think having a burnout is a new trend that is only feasible for people without a backbone. I think it’s a trend that shows that we as humanity have to treat each other and ourselves differently. People give themselves and who they love more and more value, but in a world dominated by fear and ego, that value also depends on it. That makes this value conditional.  

By walking away from myself, I repeated what had broken me. By walking away from myself, I neglected and abused myself.