‘A new beginning’, these words kept slumbering through my thoughts. I noticed I wasn’t satisfied with my blog.
When I started with Mind Happiness I decided to rewrite all my old diary pages, because I wanted to share my entire personal search for happiness, but I noticed I didn’t like it anymore. All the old diary pages I was rewriting didn’t fit me anymore. Didn’t fit how I am in the present moment.
A battle between ego and heart arose.
I had already spent hours of work on my blog. Hours I didn’t just want to throw away, but I also made the agreement with myself that I would always listen to my heart.
‘Listen to your heart, Esra. You know that it is the right thing to do’, but my ego also had its say in it and with the force of fear it knew to convince me to stay with the current layout. It said things like; ‘It’s weird if you suddenly remove all your old blog posts’, ‘You will never achieve anything if you don’t finish what you started’, ‘People can only learn from your personal search if you share your entire quest.’
I noticed that I worked on my blog by following structures. I no longer followed my heart, I followed what I thought I needed to do. I’ve learned that when I follow structures because I believe they will bring me to where I want to be, I am actually following my ego. Structures come from the mind because the mind wants to evolve. The ego wants to evolve, wants to have meaning. The ego wants to survive, but when I hold on to structures, I am no longer able to see other possibilities.
I compare it with a tree. When a new tree grows, it starts as one branch. Eventually it will grow an extra branch on the side and will put its energy into this new branch because it increases its chance of survival, but if it would only put all its energy in this first side branch, the three would grow crooked and it wouldn’t be able to reach its full potential. So, after a while the tree has to grow another branch because it knows this will again increase its chance of survival. The tree can’t focus only on one branch and try to make it the perfect branch. The tree needs to use all possibilities, all branches to become the best version of itself. A complete version of itself.
A tree isn’t a perfectly structured plan where every branch has the same length and width. A tree is erratic and constantly changing, but it forms a perfect whole.
Everything in my life that I have tried and done, everything I’ve put my energy in has brought me to where I am today. It has shaped the tree into what it is now.
When I started working on myself with the help of chakras, I thought it was the branch, but when I realised that it didn’t bring me what I needed I began to grow another branch. My blog. The branch that was originally formed by my blog also wasn’t the branch, but it helped me grow. It helped me reach new personal heights. The original branch from my blog is being forked into different branches. A new way to grow, an enrichment of the whole.
When nothing is certain, everything is possible.
I mustn’t listen to the fear my ego whispers to me, I should listen to the voice of my heart. It’s not weird to decide to follow a different road, I will not get nowhere if I decide to follow new roads and I believe that people can still learn from my quest because I still have to learn a lot.
I am going to follow my heart and remove my old blog posts. I am going to start with a clean slate. A new branch. This branch will not be the branch, because there isn’t such thing. What is it going the be?
A new beginning with endless possibilities.