14 ~ The list

I’m often my own saboteur. Too often I am guided by my fear and ego and too often I ignore the voice of my heart that tells me what is best. Now that I am at the beginning of the second part of my climb, I want to draw up a list for myself dictated by that voice. A list with which I say to myself; ‘Es, you know what’s best, now’s the time to listen and act to it. Put fear and ego aside, and listen to your heart.” 

Put fear and ego aside and listen to my heart. As I type these words, I suddenly hear the voice of my heart talking to me again; “This is the list, Es! Perfect! In my mind, I look at my heart with a surprised look and say, “That’s not a list. A list must be a long enumeration.” “You were going to listen to me, right?” My heart teasingly responds, ‘And anyway we both know that you’re not very good at finishing lists, so let’s keep it short and concise.’ 

I can’t do anything but fully agree with my heart, so I’m starting to draw up the list. 

  • Put fear and ego aside 
  • Listening to my heart 

Done ???? 

Well, almost done because drawing up a list is easier than actually applying it. I know that with the pursuit of this list I start the most difficult part of my climb. After all, my fear and ego have always kept my heart safe and now I have to let go of that safety. I find it scary to let go of this safety and there will be many times when I would prefer to hold on to this safety with two hands, but I also know I can only reach new personal heights if I let go of this safety. I can only reach these new personal heights if I’m not afraid to climb up without the protection of my fear and ego. 

Every difficult situation is an obstacle until you have learned from it, then it becomes part of your personal strength.” (Mind Happiness ~5) 

To make it feasible for myself, I continue to use (for the time being) my visualization of the island (Mind Happiness ~13). Because in that visualization I am free from fear and ego and live full of self-worth and unconditional love, I can also visualize how I would react to situations if I actually lived on that island. The way I would react in my mind, I can then try to apply in real life. 

Now that I’m mentally ready for the second part of my climb, I want to make sure I’m physically ready too. 

I was tired, my body was tired and I changed from someone with a strong stamina to someone who had to sit on the side after a few minutes of exercise. My body was consumed by stress. A few months later my food processor also went on holiday permanently. From daily use to unused kitchen accessory. I couldn’t think about healthy food or weekly schedules anymore. I just couldn’t think anymore.(Mind Happiness ~12) 

Before my burnout, healthy nutrition was very important to me, but during my burnout I couldn’t keep my diet healthy. For four years I tried to get my diet back in order, but for four years I failed to do so every day. 

Now that I feel that I am ready to optimize my diet again, I also want to draw up a list of rules that I want to keep myself to. These rules I will also let be dictated from my heart instead of my fear or ego. I don’t want any rules regarding my diet in order to get a six-pack this summer so that I feel socially accepted, I want to abide by these rules because I believe that a healthy physical body is essential for a healthy mind. It’s time I started giving my body some tender loving care again. 

My focus is not on calorie counting, but with nutrients that my body needs and in doing so I want to focus mainly on what my brain and my intestines need. 

  • As a basis a healthy diet (for my overall basic health). 
  • Taking adaptogens like Rhodiola and Ashwagandha daily (as support in reducing the stress hormone cortisol). 
  • Daily dietary supplements where I pay attention to vitamin B3, B6, magnesium, folic acid and omega 3 (as support for my brain to recover from prolonged stress). 
  • I agree with myself that I will drink that disgusting shake with important amino acids daily for lunch (also as support for my brain). 

I am now halfway up the mountain, look up, and wonder what heights I can reach over the next four years.(Mind Happiness ~12) 

Today I begin my second part with determination. I’m going to challenge myself emotionally. I’m going to put aside my fear and ego, I’m going to listen to my heart and I’m going to eat healthy again. I agree with myself that I am going to do everything I can so I can to look back at this diary page in a year and know that I have done everything I can to get to the point have reached. 

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