It’s been over a week since I started the second part of my climb up. Putting fear and ego aside and optimizing my nutrition were my two most important tools to achieve my goal, but what I soon realized is that they actually were my goal. Because of this error in my way of thinking, I expected too much from myself and that’s why I didn’t really make progress. It was like standing halfway up on that mountain, trying to jump to the top and then blaming myself for failing to achieve my goals.
Yet the last 1.5 weeks have not been fruitless. I learned a lot from it.
With regard to letting go of fear and ego, I have mainly learned that I have to approach it in a different way. I wanted to choose the path of forgiveness. A path in which I had to overcome obstacles by loving others unconditionally, but I have found that I can’t do that yet. What I’ve learned now is that there’s another path, the path of letting go. A path in which I first have to learn to choose for myself. I must first walk the path of letting go, and that will lead me to the path of forgiveness.
The path of letting go was on a different stretch of the mountain than where I was standing. In order to reach the path, I had to leave the known ground on which I found myself and jump into the unknown. The choice of social distancing (Mind Happiness ~15) was that leap into the unknown, but because I didn’t trust myself and my choices enough during the jump I didn’t get to the safe plateau (Mind Happiness ~3), but I dangled hopelessly below it. Even though I didn’t make it to the safe plateau and dangled hopelessly down below, I still had a big smile on my face. By choosing myself, I felt euphoric. By choosing myself, my heart filled with a sense of freedom and personal strength.
Unfortunately I couldn’t climb the plateau and eventually fell down again. It was a painful fall that took me aback for a moment.
With regard to optimizing my nutrition, I failed twice in 1.5 weeks. Both times over the weekend. I had agreed with myself that I would optimize my diet on weekdays and that I could snack in the weekend, on Friday nights. I agreed this with myself. I optimized my diet on the first working days and when it was Friday night I bought a snack. Everything went according to plan, until I destroyed the whole plan completely. To keep a long story short, nothing was right about my diet all weekend.
On Monday I decided to change course again and keep myself to the agreements I had made with myself. I optimized my nutrition again and kept this up perfectly until the following Friday. I did have times when I craved bad food, especially when I was very tired at the end of the day, but I kept my own agreements with myself. I kept the snack evening on Friday evening, but I also took it upon myself to learn from the mistakes I had made the previous weekend and so I really only got a snack on Friday night.
Still, on Friday night, I noticed that I was looking forward to the snack like a heroin junkie looks forward to the shot. I remember thinking to myself that this craving was not good and that I continued to feed my addiction, but since I agreed with myself that it was allowed on Friday nights (and my willpower would never have won it from my addiction) I bought myself a tub of Ben&Jerry’s ice cream. I didn’t eat too much of it (admittedly, not too little either…..) and put the tub back in the freezer. “I’ll save the rest for the next Friday night.” I agreed to myself.
That agreement lasted about 20 hours.
It was on that Saturday that I fell from the plateau and became an emotional wreck. After trying in vain all day to get back on my feet emotionally, I finally walked to the freezer, took out the Ben&Jerry’s tub, walked to the bathroom and filled the bath with wonderfully hot water. ‘Fuck it’. I thought to myself and I emptied the tub of Ben&Jerry’s .
But now it’s Sunday morning and I want to move forward again. New day, new opportunities. I look at the plateau, a plateau that stands for actually choosing for myself. It is a very important obstacle that I have to overcome because from this obstacle, the path of letting go goes up further. I feel the return of my determination to overcome the obstacle, but at the same time I also feel the uncertainty. The presence of fear and ego. I don’t have the self-assurance and personal strength to jump directly onto the plateau yet and so I will have to look for other possibilities.
I start again in small steps and make the following agreements with myself today;
- I’m actually going to send those messages to my friends (I hadn’t gotten around to doing it yet).
- I’m going to optimize my diet again and I agree with myself that I’m not going to snack in the weekend for the time being (luckily the tub of Ben&Jerry’s is already empty ????) I have to admit to myself that I’m addicted to fast carbs and like an alcohol addict I can’t pour myself a glass of alcohol every weekend. I’m going to tackle my carb addiction the way they tackle an alcohol addiction at AA. I’m going to keep track of how many days I’m free from my addiction.
- I’m going to make sure I keep taking all dietary supplements according to schedule, because miraculously I really noticed a difference (!).
They are small steps in a bigger picture, but also (or only) with small steps I go up.
Days off from fast carbohydrates: 0