18 ~ The conversation

I feel like I’m not making any progress since I started the second part of my climb. I’m standing on that plateau in the middle of the mountain and I’m still searching for a way to get up, but I can’t find the means to do it. I knew it was going to be hard to let go of my fear and ego, but I have to confess that it’s even harder than I thought. When I started the second part of my climb, I felt in my heart exactly how I wanted to act at times when I’m having a difficult time emotionally. Fear and ego aside and converting that specific feeling from my heart to my behavior. 

I’ve really managed to do it 0 times so far….. 

The protective power of my ego is so strong that I am unable to apply the loving power of my heart. I always visualized my ego as the Tasmanian Devil, but as I try to open myself up more and more, he’s becoming more and more of a T-Rex. 

Time to have a talk with my ego. 

Me: Hi ego. 

Ego: Hi. 

Me: Uuh, ego? 

Ego: Yes? 

Me: You’re not really cooperating, you’re still way too strong. 

Ego: Yes, I know. 

Me: Can you be a little less present? 

Ego: I don’t know. 

Me: What do you mean, ego? 

Ego: I don’t know if you can handle it without me. 

Me:…… 

I don’t really know yet, but I’d like to. 

Ego: I know. 

Me: I don’t know how to make myself strong enough, Ego. 

Ego: There’s still a lot of emotional pain, right? 

Me: Yes, a lot. 

How can I make myself strong enough so that I can handle life without your protection, ego? 

Ego: By being brave enough to dare to live without my protection. 

Me: Hm. 

Ego: Hm. 

Paradoxically, isn’t it? 

Me: Yes. 

Ego: What do you want to achieve, Es? What’s your goal? 

Me: To be able to live with love and compassion without letting my emotional pain get in the way, that’s my ultimate goal. For now, I just want to learn to live without the constant presence of that emotional pain. 

I want to be a positive energy. A positive energy that comes from myself because I am satisfied and love myself. A positive energy that makes not only my inner world more of a natural flow, but also my social world. 

Ego: How do you want to achieve that, Es? 

Me: Do you remember Anita Moorjani’s book  ‘Dying to be me’? 

Ego: Yes, I remember that. 

Me: Remember how I felt when I read it? 

Ego: Oh yes, I remember that. 

Every time you read that book, I could just go hunt for butterflies and roll through the flower fields because you didn’t need me for a while to protect yourself. 

Me: Yes. That’s right. 

Do you know why that was, ego? 

Ego: No. 

Me: Because I could feel the love of her words in my heart, and that love allowed me to forgive others. Through her words I felt the unconditional love of my heart, that love showed me my self-assurance and because of that self-assurance I no longer felt negative energy. I could let go of my emotional pain and forgive everyone. 

I’d like to act from that feeling. 

Anita Moorjani wrote in her book about her near-death experience. She described how her soul left the physical world and ended up in a universe full of souls. As her soul entered that ‘world’, she felt nothing but unconditional love and pure forgiveness. 

The feeling I felt in my heart while reading that book, that’s the feeling I would like to convert to behavior. 

In her book she also wrote that everyone is basically good in nature. That if someone could act better, he/she would also act better. 

I would like to apply that philosophy so that I will be better able to forgive. 

Ego: So then you’re going to focus more on forgiveness than letting go. 

Me: Hm. 

Ego: Hm. 

Typical, isn’t it? 

Me: Yes 

Maybe I shouldn’t focus on a path where one subject is central, but rather a path that is not restricted. 

If nothing’s certain, anything’s possible, right? 

I want to approach the world from an understanding and forgiveness and I want to do this by listening to the soft mother voice of my heart. 

Ego: But how are you going to be strong enough to apply all this in everyday life? 

Me: I’m not going to be strong enough yet, but maybe this is going to make me strong enough. 

Ego: Hm. 

Me: Hm. 

Paradoxically, isn’t it? 

Ego: Yes. 

Me: I could use your strength in a different way. Not as a protector, but as a counselor. 

Ego: What do you mean? 

Me: I’d love to have these kinds of conversations with you if I’m having a difficult time. 

Ego: Then  that’s what we’re going to do. 

Me: Thank you, ego. 

Ego: High five? 

Me: High five. 

*clap. 

Ego: Now that you’re going down a different path, why don’t we remove that previous blog post from your website? Just to protect me a little from losing face? 

Me: Hihi, no. I don’t have to show in my blog that I already know and understand everything. My blog is about my quest and the honesty of imperfections. 

My authentic, imperfect me. 

Ego: Hm. 

Me: hm. 

That’s nice, isn’t it? 

Ego: Yes. 

  

  

  

I am 

Imperfect 

I am 

Flawed 

I am 

Searching 

I am 

Learning 

I am 

Healing 

I am 

Becoming 

Me 

 

Pages from the book Anita Moorjani – Dying to be me

 

Rehab update: 4 days off from fast carbohydrates.