I feel like I’m not making any progress since I started the second part of my climb. I’m standing on that plateau in the middle of the mountain and I’m still searching for a way to get up, but I can’t find the means to do it. I knew it was going to be hard to let go of my fear and ego, but I have to confess that it’s even harder than I thought. When I started the second part of my climb, I felt in my heart exactly how I wanted to act at times when I’m having a difficult time emotionally. Fear and ego aside and converting that specific feeling from my heart to my behavior.
I’ve really managed to do it 0 times so far…..
The protective power of my ego is so strong that I am unable to apply the loving power of my heart. I always visualized my ego as the Tasmanian Devil, but as I try to open myself up more and more, he’s becoming more and more of a T-Rex.
Time to have a talk with my ego.
Me: Hi ego.
Me: Uuh, ego?
Me: You’re not really cooperating, you’re still way too strong.
Ego: Yes, I know.
Me: Can you be a little less present?
Ego: I don’t know.
Me: What do you mean, ego?
Ego: I don’t know if you can handle it without me.
I don’t really know yet, but I’d like to.
Ego: I know.
Me: I don’t know how to make myself strong enough, Ego.
Ego: There’s still a lot of emotional pain, right?
Me: Yes, a lot.
How can I make myself strong enough so that I can handle life without your protection, ego?
Ego: By being brave enough to dare to live without my protection.
Paradoxically, isn’t it?
Ego: What do you want to achieve, Es? What’s your goal?
Me: To be able to live with love and compassion without letting my emotional pain get in the way, that’s my ultimate goal. For now, I just want to learn to live without the constant presence of that emotional pain.
I want to be a positive energy. A positive energy that comes from myself because I am satisfied and love myself. A positive energy that makes not only my inner world more of a natural flow, but also my social world.
Ego: How do you want to achieve that, Es?
Me: Do you remember Anita Moorjani’s book ‘Dying to be me’?
Ego: Yes, I remember that.
Me: Remember how I felt when I read it?
Ego: Oh yes, I remember that.
Every time you read that book, I could just go hunt for butterflies and roll through the flower fields because you didn’t need me for a while to protect yourself.
Me: Yes. That’s right.
Do you know why that was, ego?
Me: Because I could feel the love of her words in my heart, and that love allowed me to forgive others. Through her words I felt the unconditional love of my heart, that love showed me my self-assurance and because of that self-assurance I no longer felt negative energy. I could let go of my emotional pain and forgive everyone.
I’d like to act from that feeling.
Anita Moorjani wrote in her book about her near-death experience. She described how her soul left the physical world and ended up in a universe full of souls. As her soul entered that ‘world’, she felt nothing but unconditional love and pure forgiveness.
The feeling I felt in my heart while reading that book, that’s the feeling I would like to convert to behavior.
In her book she also wrote that everyone is basically good in nature. That if someone could act better, he/she would also act better.
I would like to apply that philosophy so that I will be better able to forgive.
Ego: So then you’re going to focus more on forgiveness than letting go.
Typical, isn’t it?
Maybe I shouldn’t focus on a path where one subject is central, but rather a path that is not restricted.
If nothing’s certain, anything’s possible, right?
I want to approach the world from an understanding and forgiveness and I want to do this by listening to the soft mother voice of my heart.
Ego: But how are you going to be strong enough to apply all this in everyday life?
Me: I’m not going to be strong enough yet, but maybe this is going to make me strong enough.
Paradoxically, isn’t it?
Me: I could use your strength in a different way. Not as a protector, but as a counselor.
Ego: What do you mean?
Me: I’d love to have these kinds of conversations with you if I’m having a difficult time.
Ego: Then that’s what we’re going to do.
Me: Thank you, ego.
Ego: High five?
Me: High five.
Ego: Now that you’re going down a different path, why don’t we remove that previous blog post from your website? Just to protect me a little from losing face?
Me: Hihi, no. I don’t have to show in my blog that I already know and understand everything. My blog is about my quest and the honesty of imperfections.
My authentic, imperfect me.
That’s nice, isn’t it?
Pages from the book Anita Moorjani – Dying to be me
Rehab update: 4 days off from fast carbohydrates.