The dialogue between me and my ego a few days ago gave me, in addition to further insight, also more self-confidence. I agreed with myself that in emotionally difficult situations I would start the conversation with my ego again and I hoped that this would help me deal with the situation better.
Because of the gained self-confidence, I was in an emotional flow of personal strength and I noticed that it allowed me to react more out of love. The moments where I usually was upset I could now stay with both of my feet on the ground. I have had more times where I was in that flow and felt like I was on top of the world, but I also know that as soon as things happen that are linked to unprocessed traumas in my emotionregulationoperationcenter, I’m going to get my feet kicked out from under me again. The sudden going down is still inevitable for me at the moment and I knew that moment would come sooner or later. My plan was to get back into the conversation with my ego when it would happen again. I was hoping that a moment of self-reflection would help me rise back up again.
When the inevitable moment arrived, I kept to my agreement and started the inner dialogue again.
Ik: Hello ego.
Ego: Hello, Es.
Me: Ego, I’m having a difficult time.
Ego: Tell me what’s bothering you.
(I explained the situation and my ego came up with questions that would give me insight through self-reflection)
Ego: What were your expectations, Es? Because it’s your expectations in a certain situation that could hurt you, right?
Me: I expected, or hoped for human mutual respect.
Ego: Hm. That’s something you can expect, right?
Ego: Then I don’t know what to do now.
Me: Neither do I.
Ego: Shall we stay angry?
Ego: RAAAAH, ROOAAAAARRRR, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
A day later I thought back to the feeling that I feel when the inevitable happens and I go down again. In those moments, I’m not strong enough to gather myself emotionally and I notice that my ego is too strong present to put it aside. My ego feels like a giant blockage in those moments. When I was thinking about that feeling, I thought about my ego. Wasn’t it just my ego getting in the way? I started the conversation with my ego again. During that conversation, my ego said that he protects me where I can’t protect myself. He’s the shield where I still need protection. The shield covering my weaknesses. He’s everywhere where I’m still not strong enough to act out of love.
In that respect, I’m starting to see my ego and my heart more and more as inner parents.
The ego is the father, the security
The heart the mother, the love.
If both are present in harmony, there is a balanced whole. A balanced person. A yin yang, but because the heart was hurt too much and had locked itself in the vault (Mind Happiness ~ ) there was no balance and the ego had to keep things afloat on its own.
After the words of my ego I came to a different understanding regarding the previously occurred incident. I knew what I could have done better. My problem wasn’t what the other person had done, but how I reacted to it. That I couldn’t react out of love showed me that I wasn’t strong enough to be able to react out of love.
This insight brought to me another subject that I regularly think about, namely responsibility for one’s own part in a relationship.
In that respect, I see human relationships, whatever kind of relationships (even if it’s just the short-lived relationship with an unknown person you encounter on the street) as a division of 50/50 (in a relationship between two people). Together you make 100%, but each is responsible for his/her own piece of 50%. Everyone is responsible for their own part in the relationship. That 50% piece is pure basic human kindness and no one but that person is responsible for that piece.
For example, say that I meet my neighbor on the street and he starts scolding me, I still have my own 50% piece and as such, I have my responsibility to do the right thing from my half. No matter what the neighbor does.
What I often see happening and what I do myself is that I give someone else responsibility over my own 50% piece. Someone’s being annoying, so I’m going to be annoying back to him/her. Someone’s angry, so I react angrily. Like there’s no other choice. He/she does, and so I have to do this. With that, we put the responsibility for our piece into the shoes of another.
My reaction in the above piece, the bit where I decided to stay angry because I was disrespected, was wrong. I gave the other person the responsibility for my 50% piece. In principle, I said; “You did that, so now I’m going to do this.” “You treated me without respect, now I’m going to treat you badly as well.” While I could have chosen to do my part of the relationship right. I could have said; “You treat me badly. You choose that in your 50% piece, but I choose to remain respectful. I choose to make my piece 50% beautiful.’
Personal responsibility for my piece of the relationship.
Basic human kindness.