20 ~ The butterfly

A few weeks ago I was in a playground with my daughter and from a bench I was watching all the children play. I looked at my daughter and witnessed the beautiful freedom of her soul. A beautiful pure soul that fluttered among the playing children, like a free butterfly. Unhindered in her own imagination. 

While I was lovingly enjoying her authentic freedom, I felt throughout my body that I would like to grant her this freedom forever and that as a mother I would do everything I could to protect this freedom, because I also know that preserving that authentic freedom is a difficult task. It’s an authentic pure freedom that the world doesn’t seem to be able to deal with yet, and while I was sitting on that bench I saw that even the other kids didn’t know how to cope with her pure freedom. 

“It’s not that people don’t like you, they’re really just afraid of your inner strength.” 

They were the words a therapist once said to me, but I could never really place, until I witnessed my daughter in that playground. It was as if her authentic freedom was not accepted because the already institutionalized souls did not know what to do with her freedom. A response of condemning, criticizing and excluding is often safer than being open to new things. 

Always keep fluttering, my love. Keep fluttering and let yourself be carried through life, no matter what kind of opinion others have about you. Don’t let their fears and judgments weigh down your wings, but let them slip away from you with every wing movement you make.
~Mom 

As I watched my daughter in the playground, I also figured out how it might feel for her if the negativism of others could penetrate her soul and what it would feel like if the authentic freedom was lost to grief and disappointment. I could imagine how her extroverted and free approach to the world could turn into an introverted and observational one, where the sadness originating from disappointment would always be present. A disappointment because of the lack of authenticity and love in the world. 

All this reminded me of the book ‘The mastery of love – Don Miguel Ruiz’ in which the writer talks about a poison that haunts the world like a virus. A poison in the form of emotional pain that is (often unconsciously) transferred from man to man. A poison that, once you’re infected with it, keeps multiplying until the amount of poison is so much that we have to express it, and we do this by infecting someone else with it. All of us become infected with the poison of someone else in our lives. Some persons become more infected than others and some will have a stronger immune system by having good self-esteem. 

I knew I saw my own image in my daughter’s reflection, and I also knew that my soul was filled with emotional poison, but because I was always so disappointed by the lovelessness of humanity, I held the poison inside myself as much as possible. I didn’t want to participate in the spread of the poison any further, so the poison became the heavy emotional burden I continued to infect myself with. 

“Why can’t I apply that what I know is better for me?” was the question that wandered through my mind last week. I knew that letting go, giving love and continuing to trust my own strength and value were the keys to further growth, yet I couldn’t put myself over the threshold of fear and doubts. Despite all the knowledge I had, I was unable to let go of the almost constant negative emotions. ‘Why do I feel negative so often?’ was my follow-up question and while I asked that question I visualized two energy flows in my body. Negative and positive. I don’t know much about energy, but during my visualization I did see an obvious imbalance where the negative energy clearly dominated. ‘Why is this negativity so dominantly present?’ I asked myself again, and then I knew that the answer lay with the insight I had earlier in the situation with my daughter. The disappointment and the resulting grief had never gone away and that negativity had continued to feed itself through a vicious circle. “A poison that, once infected with it, continues to multiply.” That was the answer to my questions. 

I had the answer to my questions, but where one door closes, another opens and so I automatically ran into new questions again. “What next?” I saw the problem, but what was the solution? How could I get my energy back into balance? I decided to combine science and spirituality. ‘If everything is energy, can I influence my internal (both emotional and physical) energy?’ So if the current negative energy comes from my thoughts, then I am also able to generate positive energy with my thoughts. 

I started by actually observing the negative energy in my body. It felt like a big blockage inside my chest. I felt the negative energy and asked myself why the hell I allowed it into my body. ‘How much damage did I do to my body by letting that negative energy be constantly there?’ “How much influence would it have on the physical matter that my body consists of? (And is the outward display of a body therefore a reflection of the inner being?) When I asked myself these questions, I felt a deep sense of love for my body and no longer saw my body as just my body, but as an expression of my own energy. The deep sense of love made me realize that I no longer wanted to poison my body with the poison that is still in my emotions. I felt the blockage of negative energy and with the love I felt for my body I turned it into positive energy. The negative feeling disappeared and a sense of calm emerged. A visualization of free space in my chest dawned in my thoughts. 

Besides observing the negative energy and influencing it with my thoughts, I have also started to delve more into hertz frequencies. I wondered if I could influence my internal energy by using sound. Would it be possible to influence physical energy (i.e. not my emotions, but the actual tangible energy in my body) by using the energy from sound? I can’t do a thorough scientific study, but I wanted to see for myself how my experience would be if I turned on certain hertz frequency music and so I was looking for a Spotify playlist with the desired frequency. 528 hertz was the frequency I started with. I grabbed a blanket, put it in the garden, laid down on it and started the music. Soothing sounds penetrated my ears through my earbuds. This time no hardcore, rock or drum ‘n bass. 

The music I would have dismissed earlier in my life as spiritual nonsense felt like a pleasant surprise. Where I normally have to do my utmost best to really relax, it happened by itself now. I followed the flow of my body and enjoyed witnessing life around me. I felt connected, grounded and free. 

Whether it was because of the right mindset or because of the energy of the music, I don’t know and I don’t really care. I don’t have to win a Nobel Prize in science, I just want to be free in life and to achieve that I try to use a philosophy, which is that I know nothing for sure and that anything is possible. As soon as I stop being open to possibilities, I limit the ability to discover new things. And so I keep being open, discover and learn, so more and more puzzle pieces fall into place for me. 

A few months ago, my partner wondered why I am so sensitive to injustice and why I set such high demands on myself. I couldn’t give him a clear answer because I didn’t know it myself. I knew it had to come from my own grief, otherwise it wouldn’t affect me so personally, but the how, what and why I didn’t know until I saw my own image in my daughter’s reflection. It was the disappointment I fought against. I’m starting to learn more and more that I can’t change humanity by fighting it, but that if I change my own internal world, I might subconsciously influence the people around me. 

The new insights have also helped me to take better care of my own body. The AA way of rehab turned out to be no viable idea after 9 days. As a wife, mother, girlfriend and person, I want to be able to eat something unhealthy without letting myself down and I have found out that it is not about abstinence, but about love. As soon as I have enough love for my body, I will automatically stop poisoning it. Whether it’s with food or thoughts. I see now that this is also part of my climb and that I can’t expect perfection in this yet. The great thing is that by accepting from myself that I can’t do that perfectly yet, I’m giving myself love and that love flows through to my body as positive energy. 

Every woman who heals herself, heals all the women who came before her and all the women who come after her.” 
~ Unknown