21 ~ Inner woman

March 2020; “I’m going to challenge myself emotionally. I’m going to put my fear and ego aside, I’m going to listen to my heart.” 

October 2020; “I’m going to challenge myself emotionally. I’m going to put my fear and ego aside, I’m going to listen to my heart” 

When I started the second part of my climb to emotional and mental strength, at the beginning of March 2020, I knew exactly what I wanted. I had my goal in mind and I agreed with myself that I would follow that goal at all times. The goal I had in mind was forgiveness and unconditional love for myself and others without my pain and fear constantly upsetting me.  

In order to achieve this goal, I knew that I had to believe in the strong, feminine power that I could feel inside my soul. To apply this power I wanted to honor and respect my femininity more.  

Believing in my femininity and the accompanying strength and love became both my goal and guide.  

In order to honor and respect my femininity more, I started by honoring and respecting my female body, all the accompanying curves and any socially imposed imperfections. I looked at and touched my body with love and thanked it for everything it gave me and had given me. My body had been doing everything it knew it had to do for 33 years and I despised it for more than 20 years because it couldn’t live up to social ideals.  

By dancing, touching and honoring, I healed my body from all the toxic negativity and for the first time in 20 years I experienced a summer in which I was no longer constantly ashamed of my body. 

Because I had to believe not only in my external femininity in order to come into my own power, but also in my internal femininity, I came up with a fantasy that stood for the feminine power I felt within my soul. A powerful fantasy that could manifest itself as a powerful personality.  

I remembered what I had previously written for my daughter; 

 Always keep fluttering, my love. Keep fluttering and let yourself be carried through life, no matter what kind of opinion others have about you. Don’t let their fears and judgments weigh down your wings, but let them slip away from you with every wing movement you make. ” (20 ~ The Butterfly) 

I thought back to myself as a little girl with my own little wings. I wasn’t that girl anymore, now I was a strong, mature woman with strong wings. That woman became my powerful fantasy, my personal strength.  

“This is it” I thought to myself. “This is how I have to imagine myself when I’m struggling. This is how I can manifest my emotional strength.” 

In the meantime, life continued quietly and as life always does it continued to challenge me. “Come on life, I’m ready!” I thought to myself. “I’m ready to use my power!”,  but I wasn’t ready. As soon as situations arose that were equal to all my traumas, the powerful woman fell to the ground and the fear was heavier than her wings could carry.  

I lay down on the ground regularly and in those times I had no idea how I could apply my power.  

“You know everything in your head, but you can’t apply it in your heart.” They were the words a reiki therapist said to me after I took a test session with her. They were words that hit me like a sledgehammer and kept wandering through my mind because they were so very accurate. I did know everything in my head, but it didn’t come into my heart. My heart was still far too fragile and insecure to adapt all the power I had in my mind.  

It felt like my heart and head were both on a separate island and there was no bridge built between them. 

It was the bridge between my character and personality that was missing.  

The bridge between Esra the vulnerable and insecure little girl and Esra the powerful and loving adult woman.  

Did I have to heal the little girl before I could start believing in myself as a grown woman?  

I decided to buy the book Emotional healing of the inner child – Margarita Blanco and at the beginning of the book I read a piece of text which listed exactly what I was running into all this time. My world stood still for a moment. 

“It’s a quiet afternoon and you decide to go for a drive. Because you always enjoy driving, you ask a little child to come with you. The child takes a seat on the passenger seat, you both put the seat belt on and leave. You feel calm, relaxed and confident, but once you’ve left town you see it’s getting dark outside. You see dark clouds forming and not much later it starts raining. You didn’t expect this to happen today. It starts raining harder and harder and you can’t see the road properly anymore. Even bends in the road have become virtually invisible and you are blinded by the lights of oncoming traffic. The road you’re driving is getting wetter and your car starts to skid sometimes. You get more nervous and scared by the minute and you feel your hands tightening around the steering wheel. You wish you weren’t in this situation and you feel your stomach cringe with stress. You know it’s a dangerous situation and it’s important that everything is kept under control, so you pull the car over and say to the child next to you “Dear child, this situation is going to be very frightening, I can’t do this so I’m asking you now if you want to take over the wheel.” 

This was exactly what I subconsciously did in situations that were equal to all my traumas. I tried to be the strong adult, but as soon as the fear became too much I said to my inner child “Dear child, here you have the steering wheel. Good luck with it.” and since little Esra never learned how to cope in situations like that, she had no idea what to do.  

The power I felt deep inside my soul was the voice of the grown woman who cried out for me from her island, but I was still trapped on my own little island, as a little girl, and had no idea how to save myself there. The words the grown woman shouted at me were pleasant, but not enough. In order to apply my own strength, I first had to build a bridge between the two islands.  

A bridge that I can only build by getting closer to myself.  

~ 

“I’m looking at a little girl sitting next to me. I used to be her, but I’m not her anymore. Still, she’s inside me. Just like I’ve always been inside her.  

We both don’t really know how to live. As two lost souls, we sit next to each other.  

I would like to guide her through life, but I still miss the inner strength and wisdom to do this right.  

Then an old woman appears next to us. A beautiful woman full of wrinkles, long grey hair and a twinkle in her eyes.  

She’s us. 

The woman looks at us and speaks to us; 

“You’re not me, but you’re inside me. Just like I’m already inside you. 

We are all one person and we all possess the same inner strength and wisdom that you see in me.  

The strength and wisdom I now exude is the strength and wisdom I have found in myself throughout my life.” 

(Personal diary)