22 ~ Inner child

After I realized that I had to focus on healing my inner child, I immediately started working on it. I used a technique that I had tried to apply a few years ago. I imagined my inner child, little Esra, next to me and as an imaginary friend I took little Esra on a journey into my world as an adult. As a grown woman, I tried to give her the wise lessons I now give to my children as a mother and the lessons I would have wanted to teach myself if I could go back in time. 

Often I could be the powerful, somewhat casual, humorous and loving woman I wanted to show to the little girl. I hid my own insecurities and told her all about self-confidence, self-worth and letting go of negativism, but no matter how hard I tried to set a good example, I eventually encountered situations where I couldn’t teach her anything about self-confidence, self-worth or letting go of negativism because I couldn’t trust in those words myself. They were the moments I subconsciously gave the steering wheel (inner woman ~21) to the child and thought; “I don’t know what to do.”  

I kept trying to convince my inner child of my strength, wisdom and love, but the inner child looked straight through my façade.  

“Trust me,” I told her, “Trust me that everything will be fine. I will keep you safe, I’m here for you and you will always have my love.” but my inner child knew better. My inner child knew that I was not powerful, did not possess the right wisdom for those moments and that I did not know how to love little Esra at all. I never learned how to love Esra.  

I felt the need of the inner child and I heard the voice of the wise woman (21 ~ inner woman) inside me, but I did not know how to connect them. I saw myself as an island that stood between the inner child and the wise woman. I was the connection between the two. I was the healing of the child and the developing of the wise woman. Without my intervention, neither would happen. Developing myself now was my chance to awaken the wisdom and heal the traumas within myself.  

I started writing a diary where I would let the wise woman speak. I opened my heart, felt her energy and heard her voice. Without thinking, I wrote down her words. 

Not my thoughts, but my feelings dictated the words and the wise, calm, powerful and loving woman manifested herself in the tangible world.  

“Dear Esra, learn to forgive. Don’t be afraid anymore to follow your love. Nothing bad is going to happen. On the contrary; there is so much power in your love that it will enrich your life. Your power will be released when you put your fears aside and learn to live from your love.”  

“Dear Esra, you did so well today! No, not everything was perfect, but it doesn’t have to be. I see your heart gloat with pride and it’s okay to acknowledge, feel and celebrate that. (….) After everything you’ve been through, you keep trying and you can be proud of that wonderful, loving perseverance! Enjoy it girl. Although the gloat is still very hidden; enjoy it and be proud of yourself.”  

“Dear Esra, sometimes there are times when the words forgiveness and love do not feel effective or safe enough. It’s like they’re abandoning you in those moments, but nothing could be further from the truth. They are not meant for other people, but they stand for your own inner strength. If you feel lost, use them as a fixed point on the horizon and keep following that point. Keep relying on your inner voice, intuition, wisdom, strength and love. Finding love within yourself is more important than receiving love from others.” 

“Dear Esra, you have fought so hard, my child. What a fight you’ve fought for love and recognition. You have fought so hard for your place in the world. You’ve been let down and you’ve stayed so strong. You never fought on strength, only on knowledge. You are not a fighter, you are someone with a very beautiful, pure and gentle heart and you have always fought for love because all hate hurt you so much. Hurts the world. You have always fought for love in the world from your own internal knowledge and you were looking for love and recognition, because you felt always alone. No one who saw you, no one who understood you and no one who supported you. Not in your wisdom, not in your fight, not in your love and not in what you needed. You were looking for support because you are too vulnerable and soft to fight this battle (internally and externally) alone. Don’t blame yourself, dear darling. You’re doing well, but learn to listen to your love. You’ve been fighting too much. Return to your truth. The truth of love. I know that you feel lost sometimes, but I want to tell you that it’s no longer necessary, because you always have yourself. Now choose for yourself dear darling. The only thing that should really matter to you in this world is your family and you. That’s it. Everything else that is welcome in your life may only be love. Loving people who respect you and enrich your life. You let go of all the rest. Let go of toxic relationships. Free yourself and distance yourself from the toxicity and move on with love. There’s so much love inside and around you. Feel and follow the love within yourself, use it as a guide, and the love around you will reveal itself.”
(Personal diary)  

To heal my inner child, I didn’t have to look at my inner child, but at myself. I was the connecting bridge between the inner child and the wise woman, and the moment I would come into my power the connection between the three of us would be established. There would arise a balance between fear and wisdom. Between healing and growing. 

In order to get closer to myself, I decided to further reduce my social life. Social events still required too much of my energy because of the constant high presence of stress due to my insecurity. Because of that I experienced too much internal emotional turmoil to create peace in my mind and it was precisely that peace and calmness in my head that I needed in order to get closer to myself. To be able to get into the silence of my soul.  

After consciously creating more space in my life, I decided to focus on an important first step; peace.  

In order to create peace within myself, I first had to calm the inner turmoil within myself. Every time I consciously felt stress I brought the peace back into my body. I saw the inside of my soul as a serene open plain, and as soon as I visualized that image, the peace in my body returned. Over time, the serene open plain grew larger and larger and gave more and more room for peace.  

The greater the peace in my soul, the easier it was for me to enter it and more and more often the peace in my soul became my place to be. When I went to the serene open plain I felt the energy of my pure personality. The serene open plain deep in my soul is the place where I can be closest to myself.  

It was time to cocoon consciously. Peace in the world around me and peace in the world within myself.  

Peace gives room for wisdom, wisdom gives insight for strength, strength gives possibility of love and love brings peace.  

Peace, wisdom, strength and love.  

 

 

With special thanks to my husband, for always supporting me and continuing to believe in me and with special thanks to my mother, for having had the strength to be honest about her mistakes, offering her sincere apologies and always having done her best ever since. I can say with sincerity that I am proud of her and that love her.  

 It’s not about the mistakes we make, it’s how we deal with them.