23 ~ Needs

A while ago, I became aware of the power of needs. I was writing in my journal about the strong needs I experienced at that time and while writing I came to the conclusion that the strong needs came from the painful emotional emptiness that still lies within me. 

The greater the pain of my emotional emptiness, the greater the need for fulfillment of that void.  

I figured there are different needs in a human being. Physical needs such as hunger and sleep, emotional needs such as love and security and trauma needs, needs that are meant to heal the emotional emptiness / wounds in a person. These last needs have one purpose; fill that void, regardless of any possible negative side effects.  

The difference between physical, emotional and trauma needs is that physical and emotional needs work in a person’s favor and trauma needs often to the disadvantage. Something that is incredibly paradoxical when you consider that they are actually present (and do their best) to heal a person.  

The disadvantage is that people often seek the healing of this emotional void outside themselves, resulting in many different addictions. Food, drink, drugs, gambling, sex, spending money, attention, love and many other behaviors could supplement this list. Isn’t it true that people often admit to a need, which they know can have negative consequences, because they are actually (temporarily) addicted to filling their emotional void?   

Addictions are the desperation of trauma needs to heal the emotional wounds within us.  

When I realized what the strength and impact of the trauma needs are, I decided to consciously look for moments where I acted out of or wanted to act out of these trauma needs. In order to observe my trauma needs properly, I first distinguished them from the physical and emotional needs. The trauma needs were easy to discern because I never had to go in discussion with the physical or emotional needs. When I experienced trauma needs an angel vs. devil conversation automatically formed in my thoughts. The angel was my subconscious that spoke to me and the devil came from my trauma needs.  

What struck me during my observation is how incredibly often those trauma needs were prominent and dominant present in my thoughts. My thoughts were almost constantly in discussion between my angel and my devil. “Do this, Es” “But that’s not good for me.” “Do that, Es.” “But I don’t want to.” “Act like this, Es.” “But I don’t want to be like that.” 

After I realized how much my life was affected by the trauma needs, I knew what to do. I had to fill the emotional void I felt within myself, by myself. I had to figure out how to make myself happy. I found out that I had to learn how to make myself happy, because the moment I had decided that I had to fill my own void, there was sudden and deafening silence formed in my thoughts. A deafening silence that was then broken by voices whispering softly; “Uuh, guys, do you have any ideas regarding how to make ourselves happy? No, no one?”  

I found out that I had never learned to make myself truly happy because up until that point I had always survived rather than lived. I had no idea how I could really live.  

Not that I had never enjoyed life or that I never have experienced joy on my own, but I was always weighed down by the emotional pain that continued to haunt me. The need to fill the void was always slumbering through my thoughts and emotions. 

I made myself a new plan, plan #521489: Be aware of your needs, then be aware that they arise from the void and that you can and will fill that void yourself. There are two ways to fill the void: 

  • Go do something on your own that you like on your own with the condition that it can only be something that is also good for your physical or emotional needs. The void should only be filled with love. Good love, not love for chocolate.  
  • Observe the need and then consciously release it. When you choose to let go of your trauma needs you choose for inner strength and by choosing inner strength, the void will fill itself with self-love. 

Surprisingly, plan #521489 worked incredibly effectively. Not only did I learn how to make myself happy, I also learned little by little that I was capable to let go of my trauma needs.  

Something that probably dominated me for most of my life started to crumble and I slowly began to see the power of my thoughts. I have a choice about what I do with my trauma needs.  And for the first time in my life I finally had the feeling that I was taking back control of my life.  

Trauma needs give way to inner strength.  

And now, a few weeks after my realization, I write this blogpost quite spontaneously on a topic that was actually still on my to-do list because I was still brainstorming about it. I write this blogpost because tonight I said to myself, with a smile on my face; “You are stronger than your needs.”  

Earlier this evening I did something that allowed me to experience the choice I have regarding my trauma needs.  

I was tired and the fatigue gave room for all the painful emotions that I could suppress earlier in the day. They were the painful emotions from my emptiness that were rising and the trauma needs got virtually free play in my mind. The angel vs. devil conversation became out of balance and with a c.a. 20% (angel) – 80% (devil) difference the devil was certainly on the winning side in terms of persuasion. I had almost taken the decision to satisfy my trauma needs when the angel spoke to me one more time, with powerful persuasion from my subconscious mind and she said; “This is the moment, Esra. This is the moment where you can experience that you are actually stronger than your needs. This is the moment you can grow!” And then I suddenly decided to completely let go of the trauma needs I experienced that moment.  

By observing my needs, it had become clear to me that I should always listen to the voice of my subconscious, regardless of my fear or emotional pain. It was the voice of the wise woman (21 ~ Inner woman) that told me where to go and what I needed to do to develop and heal myself. Because I knew that what she told me was good for me, I decided to listen to her.  

I listened and I made a choice. I made the choice not to heed to my trauma needs and go back to my own inner strength.  

As this process unfolded in my mind, I was driving my car on the way home, and the moment I decided not to satisfy my trauma needs, I saw, not far from me, two very large flocks of birds making the most beautiful shapes in the sky. I looked at the beauty of nature, I enjoyed being able to live on such a beautiful planet and I felt lucky because I felt free.  

A wave of energy swept through my body and in my throat I felt the wonderful emotion of wanting to laugh, scream and cry at the same time.  

The emotion of pure happiness. 

I was free. I had a choice.