Well, the self-love affirmation turned out not to be the right solution for me after all. Granted, I might have given it a little more time and space, but for now, it didn’t suit me or give me what I needed.
In good spirits and full of hope (“This is really something that is going to help me and make all my internal problems disappear like snow in the sun”) I started on my assignment. I made a schedule, followed this faithfully and, as promised to myself, I also wrote down my findings in a diary, but after the first week my determination faded, I started not looking forward to the assignments and began to shift my priorities to other tasks.
It was simply too boring for me to stand in front of a mirror for minutes and look myself deep in the eyes and from my subconscious I constantly got the vision that I should not seek my strength in sitting still, but in moving.
“Go dancing!” cried my subconscious, but I ignored it. “No, I have imposed these affirmation assignments on myself as a promise and I am going to stick to them. Tomorrow, yes really tomorrow, I’m going to start over and do everything right,” but the tomorrow kept shifting each day and eventually the first month passed without further affirmations, meditations and also, no dancing.
The oh so life changing, self-love creating and strength giving affirmation turned into an assignment that continued to haunt me with a sense of failure and pressure and so I decided to let go of it. The feeling of failure gave way to acceptance and the rediscovered realization that I can also just give up something if it turns out not to be right for me, without losing any value as a result, was perhaps the most important lesson.
I hadn’t failed, I had tried and learned.
Not long after, I walked into the room where I had previously done my affirmation meditations, closed the door behind me, put in my earbuds and turned on the music. The quiet, instrumental music I had played in this room before during my meditations made room for immersive music and my body spontaneously started to move freely. A big smile appeared on my face. This is what I needed, this is what suited me and while I was dancing and laughing my heart filled with the feelings of self-love, self-assurance and happiness.
“I noticed that I had fallen into structure with my blog and I have found out that if I’m going to stick to structure because I believe it’s the way, I’m acting from my ego rather than from my heart. Structure is an invention of the brain in order to be able to develop in a clear way. “I want to achieve that, how do I get there,” but as soon as I stick to that structure, I blind myself for other options. Life is not a fixed structure.
I like to compare it to a tree. If a new tree just emerges from the ground as a small twig, it will eventually develop an extra twig. The tree puts energy into that twig because the twig increases the chances of survival. Eventually, the tree notices that it has to put energy into another twig because only that one twig does not bring it what it needs. If it puts all its energy into that one twig, the tree would grow crooked and not reach its full potential. So the tree grows another twig, and as soon as that twig stops bringing it what it needs, it grows another twig.
A tree isn’t a perfectly structured plan where every branch has the same length and width. A tree is erratic and constantly changing, but it forms a perfect whole.” (1 ~ A New Beginning)