Unlike the affirmation assignment (27 ~ Action), I felt no resistance to keep up the task of applying my own new standards (30 ~ My Heaven). I could really notice that the assignment regarding my new standards came from the will of my deep and pure subconscious because I kept feeling the will to turn this assignment into a success story. The self-imposed task of applying my new standards became not only another twig on my tree of life, but a further full growth of the stem. A further full growth of my fundamental inner strength.
In the month that I have consciously been trying to apply my new standards, I have already gained many insights into my behavior and emotions. Partly, or mostly, due to the systematic writing in my diary. Writing in a diary turns out to be a fundamental part of my personal growth time and time again and the actual writing down of my new standards also turned out to be a very important part.
I found out that actually writing down my standards instead of just thinking about them was a big support to counter my own self-sabotage. As hypocritical as it felt and also actually was, the moment I wrote down my new standards was the moment they became something I really wanted to follow and apply. It was as if my head could come up with convincing self-sabotaging arguments if a standard was unwritten, but as soon as it was written down on paper, I couldn’t deny the standard I had created for myself anymore, because if I would, I would deny myself and my own emotional growth.
Now that I read through my old diary pages, a month after I started writing in it, I can see the personal development that I have made, even though it does not always feel that way to me.
In the sentences and paragraphs I can now read back I recognize the pattern of climbing as I described in a previous blog post (27 ~ Action). It starts with seeing the obstacles that lie ahead, then gaining knowledge about how I can overcome the obstacles, then confronting the fears and ultimately enjoying the accumulated self-assurance.
“Every difficult situation is an obstacle until you have learned from it, then it becomes part of your personal strength.” (5 ~ Fear and ego as a guideline)
So there are several sentences, or pieces of text, written in my diary that show when I was still facing obstacles, when I was gaining knowledge, when I faced my fears and when I gained confidence.
(Pieces of text from my personal diary)
1. Facing obstacles.
- Fear and distrust still cause my exuberant personality to hide itself immediately. Love, warmth, strength and playfulness immediately make way for fear and aloofness.
- I don’t dare to trust on my own abilities yet.
- I’m thinking about it, but I’m afraid to apply it because I don’t believe in my own strength yet. Or, paradoxically, maybe I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to handle my own strength.
- I have, knowingly, followed my self-sabotaging needs instead of my standards and I can feel it in my emotions. It makes me feel like I’m wandering further away from my own strength.
- I keep running into the same thresholds of fear and although my subconscious constantly indicates that I want to react out of a state of rest, wisdom, strength and love because I know that it eventually makes me stronger, I don’t always succeed.
- Despite the fact that I am growing enormously and noticing that the standards really do help me, I have to remain vigilant that I will not let them be diluted. I didn’t think much about my standards today and I notice that if I’m not consciously working on them, I forget to apply them.
2. Gaining knowledge.
- When I bring my inner world in a state of rest, room arises to give myself more inner strength. Because after rest comes room for wisdom and in my wisdom I can find the realization that I can believe in my own strength and that I just have to trust in myself.
- If I keep practicing, I’m going to get better at it.
- I must continue to try to believe in my strength and apply it. I have to cross that threshold and have to dare to look at the truth and strength I have within me.
- If I stay true to my standards, I will remain true to my own development. Staying true to what is important to me, even if it is difficult, is very important to become a strong, confident, healthy and grounded person.
3. Facing fears.
- In terms of emotional development, I certainly did my best today. I have been able make myself confident at times by following my standard ‘I’m going to be self-confident’.
- I now consciously go back to my inner peace and from within that peace I can start looking for my wisdom. When I communicate purely from my pure subconscious core, where traumas and needs do not have a dominant place, I can communicate with a smile from self-assurance, autonomy and forgiveness. I give myself power, I give myself power, I give myself power and then 3,2,1 GO! Smile, self-assurance, autonomy and forgiveness.
- After writing down the standard that I am going to live out of forgiveness instead of resentment (freedom comes from forgiveness), I tried to apply forgiveness today. I still couldn’t do it a full 100%, but the moments I did succeed were of immense importance to my personal growth. After all, without any first steps, a journey will never happen.
- I wrote down my standards for a reason. They are not a possible possibility, but a standard. So it’s not a matter of how, what or why, but a matter of ‘just do it’. My new standards are not some possible achievable goal, but my ‘at least’. They are what I expect from myself. And so I’m going to stay close and true to myself and just apply my standards, despite the fear. Just do it.
- I feel the fear, but I’m going to do it anyway!
4. Gaining confidence.
- I find myself growing in my self-assurance regarding my creative side.
- This afternoon, thanks to my standards, I was able to overcome a threshold that held me back for a long time. Today I made a big leap and achieved a big victory!
- Yes! I did it!! Thanks to writing in my diary, I managed to act from my standards instead of getting stuck in fear.
- I notice more and more how applying my standards is changing my inner world. My cheerfulness, openness, kindness and playfulness come back and this time they are also assisted by an ever-increasing self-confidence.
- I’m getting better and better at staying close to myself.
- I’m starting to believe more and more in my own strength. This power gives me even more confidence in the future. I follow the path of my heart and it feels 100% correct. My life is starting to manifest itself in a way that feels genuinely good.
- I can look back at a good day and writing in my diary has made me realize that.
- Although it still often feels like my personal development is standing still, I also see that I’m really getting emotionally stronger and stronger.
- I continue to believe and have faith in the path of my heart.
- My life transforms into the life I want to live.
- I really feel myself getting stronger and I can see the changes in my inner world.
And so, due to writing in my diary daily, I was able to look back at a month with many beautiful moments in which I had felt confident and in which I have really been stronger than my most of my fears. Something I would never have seen without my diary because the feeling of standing still is often stronger than the feeling of overcoming.
Despite all the positive knowledge and self-assurance I gained over the past month, I noticed that it was time to adjust my plan a little bit. The growth felt stagnant and I often got the message from my subconscious that it was time for the next step. A step, a new assignment, with which I can focus even more consciously on overcoming my fears, because what I have noticed in the last month is that it is not feasible wanting to be able to constantly think about all standards at the same time. For example, I could regularly think of consciously applying self-assurance to social events, but I often forgot to apply the standard of conscious forgiveness.
I didn’t want to stop the assignment of applying the new standards in my day to day life or stop writing in my diary and so I expanded my existing assignment with the assignment to write down one of my new standards in my journal every night and set is as a main goal for the next day.
I wanted to apply one standard consciously every day in such a way that I would overcome one obstacle every day. Because even if it is only for one day, the obstacle I would overcome that day would then become part of my self-assurance forever.
“Every difficult situation is an obstacle until you have learned from it, then it becomes part of your personal strength.”
And what’s one day?
So I started.
“I’m going to serve others. Instead of being preoccupied with the question ‘what about me?’ I constantly want to ask myself ‘what can I do for you?’ Finding strength in giving instead of seeking satisfaction in the needs of my trauma’s.” Became the first standard I set for myself as a main goal. The goal of the new standards that I would really consciously use as a standard for one day.
When I chose this standard on the eve of my new assignment as being the goal in which I was really going to push myself, I initially felt resistance. Can I do this? Can I really serve others unconditionally, even if I get tangled up with my own needs, fears or emotions? Can I be that strong? Can I believe so much in the power of my own self-assurance?
There is only one way I could find out, right? And so I wrote it down. Relying on the strength of my willpower.
However, life would not be life if it did not continue to challenge and so the beginning of the first day on which I would apply the standard as a main goal did not go entirely smoothly.
“Pffff, I started the day in good spirits, but even before the children were at school I felt more like a grumpy mother than a loving mother and now the courage has failed me a little bit. I feel the need to withdraw myself so much now.” I wrote to a friend even before 10:00 in the morning. I was tired, had slept poorly and my head could not handle many stimuli. Maybe I should consider this day as a lost day and just try again tomorrow.
But I didn’t want to ‘try again tomorrow’, I wanted to try today! I didn’t want to sabotage my growth or let it stagnate and so I started writing to my friend as a form of self-therapy.
“On the other hand, I don’t want to give up!” I continued the message.
“Turn that switch and go. I have made a promise to myself for today and I want to commit myself to that instead of having to look back on a day where things did not quite work out as I intended. I have to break that vicious circle somewhere and be able to turn that switch. Knowing that I’m stronger than all those thoughts, fears and emotional pain. That switch is within me, when do I choose to really turn it? There’s no better time for it than now, right? There’s no point waiting for that switch to turn itself. And so I’m going to do it. Set all fear aside and turn that switch. I’m going to make sure I can look back on a day where I actually did it. I’m going to make sure I can look back on a day where I’ve worked very consciously towards achieving my own heaven.”
And that was the moment I decided to really turn the switch and start working fully consciously towards my goal. Full of consciousness belief that I am stronger than all my thoughts, fears and emotional pain. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the meantime, it’s that I have the power within me to conquer and rise.
I believe, no, know that I have all the strength I need to manifest my life as my subconscious manifests my heaven, and I know that I possess all the power that is needed to consciously make the choice to live from it.
I have the power to turn that switch.
The question is simply; What do I choose?
And so it happened that after a day full of ‘switch turning and doing it’ I could experience an evening full of satisfaction. Admittedly, I was so exhausted mentally and emotionally that my brain literally hurt, but that was well worth the gained knowledge, confidence and satisfaction.
That same evening, at a completely unexpected moment, a life lesson occurred which I immediately knew was a very important lesson. One that could help me bring me further on my journey and that could provide me with the necessary inner strength in the future, should I still, or again, run into situations in which my fears would prevail. A life lesson that came purely from my subconscious when I wanted to give one of my children a life lesson that, if sufficiently applied, can provide a strong fundamental awareness of having a choice regarding to the well-being of one’s emotional, inner and also physical world.
“You now have a choice regarding which thoughts you want to have at this moment and with that you have a choice regarding how you feel. You can keep thinking about the disappointment or you can look at the good things that have happened. Why don’t we both give it a try and then see how you feel with the two different thoughts? Let’s start with the sad thoughts. Just think about it and then tell me how you feel.”
An emotion of sadness prevailed.
“Now think of the happy thoughts.” I continued.
“And how do you feel now? What energy do you feel in your body now?”
“Happy energy!” Was the answer I was told.
The switch between sad energy or cheerful energy was not just made, it took about three switches before my child cheerfully hopped away again (after all, overcoming needs, fears or emotional pain can require some strength and courage), but the goal was achieved. The goal to experience that we actually have a choice regarding our thoughts and perceptions. The goal to experience that we are strong enough to turn that switch.
Happiness cannot be found in the pursuit of an unachievable and unrealistic utopia, but in the inner freedom to feel and heal emotions and in the power to know that you are strong enough to cope with difficult situations.