Welcome

Laying it all out

In 2017 I started to read the book Eat, Pray, Love, written by Elisabeth Gilbert. This book has been the beginning of the search for my true self. The spiritual approach of life learned me to look at life differently.

“My thoughts are my safe haven and it’s my decision who enters.”

This quote made me conscious of the fact that I had a choice concerning my thoughts.

My thoughts have never been my friends. The biggest challenge in life was me and the thread throughout this was my own failure.

Even though I knew I grew up in an unstable environment, I could not give myself the love to heal myself. I couldn’t even get the understanding from myself with which I could start to heal. My childhood was behind me and I said to myself to just go on. Just live a normal life like anyone else.

Although I really tried, life didn’t work out for me. I felt lost in a world where I couldn’t find my place.

Settling down was the answer for me. Create the family I craved for myself. I played my role as a good, loving mother and wife and created the illusion that I had conquered the pain from my childhood. But it doesn’t matter how beautiful the lie is, truth will always win, and that is how my truth started winning as well. Raising my children uncovered a lot of fears and raising them with those fears consumed all my energy. Because I had less energy, I made the mistakes that I always wanted to prevent.

A depression and burn-out were the results.

A period I wouldn’t want to return to, but I wouldn’t want to have missed it either. The way out of this period was self reflection and it was this self reflection that showed me everything I still had to learn.

Unconditional love, acceptation and forgiving of and for myself.

In the beginning, in difficult situations, I frequently asked myself why I felt certain emotions and how I wanted to deal with the situation. After this, I started to approach everything in life as lessons. Lessons life gave me to grow personally. Then I started to occupy myself with mantra’s and chakra’s. I made a schedule for myself where I could work on myself step by step, based on chakra’s. A part of this was writing a daily diary.

I stopped following the charkra’s after a few weeks. My personal growth wasn’t being limited to chakra’s. Aside from that, it has brought me to where I am now and that way I learned not to see anything as a failed attempt. Every step brought me to where I am now.

What I have kept on doing is writing diaries and I started sharing those diaries with friends. I noticed that, even though all lives are different, a lot of people keep running into the same problems (only manifested differently) and that these problems stem from the same loss. A lack of unconditional love, acceptation and forgiving of and for themselves.

This is the reason I decided to start sharing my diaries openly. Or as a good friend of mine said; laying it all out.

It has been a difficult consideration and a scary decision, but I have also learned to follow my heart. From my heart, I would like to show others that there is at least someone else who is imperfect and that no one has to be ashamed for his or her imperfection.

When we learn to be honest about our imperfections, we create space for personal growth. From that personal growth, we learn to hurt ourselves and each other less.

If we give our self unconditional love, our ego falls away and if that happens, we become creatures of unconditional love for everything. We stop wanting it all and we start accepting it all.

A better world starts with yourself. Within yourself.

I have decided to put all my diaries online, because I think that it’s all about the search within and not about the answers. All the answers we search for are already available, but we can’t apply them because we haven’t experienced them. I hope my own search for my true self can inspire people, but it will not provide the answer to any personal questions others have. All the answers to all personal questions lie within the person themselves and that is where one has to search.

With love,

Esra